HOLLYWOOD, CA. Someone with tiny hands is behind an attack last night that led to the Best Picture boondoggle. “We found tiny rubber gloves coated in a toxin designed to create just this sort of confusion,” said the FBI, “The perp has small hands, resents celebrities, and would gain from embarrassing Hollywood.”
Confusion reigned on Hollywood’s biggest night as the Best Picture award was mistakenly handed out to La La Land rather than the real winner, Moonlight. Apparently the tiny-handed perp managed to rub the presenters’ faces without them knowing it. “We’re talking very small hands,” confirmed the FBI.
Meanwhile, the FBI confirmed that they have taken a number of hi tech dolls found backstage into custody. The dolls were there to comfort losers, but were hacked, and voice recordings and videos of backstage activity were posted widely on the internet. “We have a crack team trying to figure out how to access these materials, it’s only a matter of days, or perhaps weeks,” said the FBI.
This is yet another case involving dolls perplexing crime fighters still trying to piece together the identity of a disfigured love doll found in a White House dumpster. “Fortunately, our friends in North Korea have agreed to consult on both cases in exchange for 17,000 cases of spam and some hand cleanser,” said a source close to the case.