TRAPPIST 1 SYSTEM, OUTER SPACE. Trump advisor KellyAnne Conway resurfaced today as NASA announced stunning news of earth-like planets circling a nearby dark star. “Rumors that KellyAnne was sidelined to prevent communications blunders and ethics violations are just more lies,” rebutted Sean Spicer, “in reality, she has been sent into outer space on a mission to find fraudulent voters.”
Alien life forms and a famous cartoon characters were spotted leaving voting booths in several states, and the administration has vowed to stamp out this threat to democracy. “I asked for this assignment,” said Conway, “and I already have news.”
Conway was referring to the discovery of a Walmart on one of the planets with clear signs of shopping carts hastily abandoned by illegal immigrants. “I mean who buys five pinatas, really,” smirked Conway. The price of pinatas and Mexicans has soared in the U.S in the face of recent immigration crackdowns.
Conway refused to comment on reports of large investments in ziplines by the Trump family, and the likelihood that the administration is planning to set up a zipline from one of the planets back to earth. Blaming autocorrect, Eric Trump said the family is investing in pipelines, not ziplines, and laughed away evidence of a purchase order for a cable thirty-nine light years long.