NEW YORK, NY. Controversial ex-Breitbart editor and conservative flamethrower Milo Yiannopoulos made a strong stand today against transgender restrooms. “The men’s room should be a place you can rely on for privacy and for a sense of certainty,” said Yiannopoulos.

Pedophiles everywhere joined in supporting Yiannopoulos.  “No one wants that sort of surprise,” said a spokesperson for NAMBLA, The North American Man-Boy Love Association.  Yiannopoulos came under intense criticism today for his comments on pedophilia.  Despite reports to the contrary, Yiannopoulos apparently survived a recent attack prior to his Hate Mime performance at UC Berkeley.

Pedophiles have been moving en masse to states like North Carolina, whose legislature protected pedophile rights by banning transgender restrooms.  “We may have lost the NBA, the NCAA, concerts, and trade shows, but look what we’ve gained!” said a spokesperson for the Republican-controlled North Carolina Senate.

Reached for comment, Vice-President Mike Pence said he was unaware of any transgender people in the United States and of the recent shipment of White House love dolls to North Carolina.  White House spokesperson KellyAnne Conway pointed out that her new fashion line, Alternative Slacks, can be worn by either gender, evidence of the Trump administration’s stand on the controversial issue.

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