STOCKHOLM, SWEDEN. Donald Trump is credited by police here with cracking an immigrant-led terror ring, freeing millions of IKEA wrenches and the aging Swedish supergroup, ABBA. The wrenches were part of a massive plot to loosen bolts in IKEA furniture all across the U.S., not so much to cause things to collapse, but more to make them wobble annoyingly. “Devilish,” opined spokesperson KellyAnne Conway, who was wearing flattering pants from her new fashion line, Alternative Slacks.
“Thanks to President Trump, these wrenches will never reach U.S. shores,” said Peter Peterpeterpeter, head and only member of Sweden’s police force. As a tribute to Trump, IKEA renamed all their stores IVANKA. “IVANKA means ‘easy to assemble’ in Swedish, said an IKEA spokesperson, dismissing as coincidence any connection to the president’s daughter, Ivanka Trump.
Police were shocked to find Sweden’s most famous pop band, ABBA, among the wrenches. A review of security footage later showed that ABBA had planted themselves among the wrenches, sneaking into the stronghold when the news leaked. Snubbed during the Trump Inaugural, ABBA hoped to make a comeback piggybacking on the hoaxed death of Cap’n, of rival 70’s supergroup, Captain and Tenille.
Reached for comment, Vice-President Mike Pence said he was unaware of the plot, and had never been to IKEA.