WASHINGTON DC. After 77-minute tongue-lashing from Donald Trump, the mainstream media owned up today to inventing Russian interference in U.S. elections, climate change, and Kim Kardashian. “We never expected anyone to take the Kardashian thing seriously,” said a media spokesperson.
It turns out that Kim Kardashian is a fictional character invented by a small Ohio newspaper trying to fend off reader loss to the Internet. “It was like crack,” said the spokesperson, “We realized that people actually believed us.” News organizations apparently made side bets on which could con the most gullible Americans: Educated, high income scientists, and pretty much all Democrats.
Scientists, already reeling from the discovery of missing polar ice caps in a teenager’s closet, were stunned to learn that The Weather Channel — source of most climate change data — faked stories of hurricanes and freak heat waves killing thousands in India. “We advertised on Craig’s List Mumbai for people willing either to die or work in a call center. Most chose death,” said a network spokesperson.
“Told you so,” tweeted a smug Donald Trump, “The Russian thing was debunked when the CIA hacked Santa’s email server.” Trump was referring to an episode last winter when the CIA got a hold of Santa’s naughty list, only to discover Vladamir Putin was not among the not-so-nice.
New York Times