WASHINGTON DC. Already angry at being left out of the leak loop, VP Mike Pence demanded today that his cell phone plan be upgraded to include unlimited calls to Russian intelligence. “Last month alone, those call cost me $87, and not one was taped,” spit a red-faced Pence, “I’m Vice-President, I deserve to be compromised like everyone else.”
As the White House seeks to contain damage from leaks that former NSA Mike Flynn and other campaign leaders had regular contact with Russian spy organizations, Democrats were quick to pounce on Pence. “What else doesn’t Pence know, and when didn’t he know it?” demanded House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, “Or something like that.”
“Mike Pence knows absolutely nothing about anything,” smoothed Trump Senior Advisor KellyAnne Conway from the new Oval Office, now securely situated on a Russian spy ship anchored off the Delaware coast, “Never did and never will.”
Pence’s ignorance follows a precedent long-set by Vice Presidents. After the death of President William Henry Harrison, VP John Tyler didn’t find out he was President for six months, and then took another two months to get new business cards. Pence himself steadfastly denies using banned substances supplied by Russia to thicken his hair and eyebrows, charges that haunted the Trump administration early on.