Hyderabad, Pakistan. Terrorists today sided with Donald Trump on his charge that the media isn’t doing its part to build a terrified population in the U.S. “It’s simple, no coverage, no terror,” said a spokesperson for ISIS, “and no terror, no funding.” Sources confirm that several corporate sponsorships remain unsold for the upcoming beheading season, though sales of advertising on maniac-driven trucks remains brisk.
“We’re trying to build a nation of pussies,” scoffed KellyAnn Conway, “and the media just isn’t doing its part.” The media industry rushed to its own defense, pointing to entire cable tv channels dedicated to crime, documentaries like When Stuffed Animals Kill, and stories about celebrities leaving small tips.
To increase coverage, terrorists are changing tactics including intentionally swiping credit cards rather than inserting the chip, fumbling for change at tolls, and not removing belts when going through airport security lines. “They are trying to undermine our way of life,” said Conway, “and do you ever see those stories on CNN? I think not.”