Washington DC. The Trump AdministratIon issued subpoenas today for a cartoon character and a baby as part of a sweeping investigation into voter fraud. “Two down,” said a steel-browed VP Mike Pence, “two million nine hundred and ninety-nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety eight to go.”
Pence, leading the administration’s efforts to prove that not only did they win, but that they really really really won, presented the evidence of fraud in a hastily convened press conference. “We believe the voter in the third booth is an illustration,” said Pence, “and the baby, given the sloppy swaddling, is likely an illegal immigrant.”
“This is absurd,” countered a spokesperson for the Democratic Party, “How can a baby cast a vote lying flat on its back?” The baby is being held in a black ops crib awaiting questioning, while violent protests broke out in cartoon cities across the country, including Hooterville and Springfield.
At the time of this writing, the ACLU has petitioned for the immediate release of both suspects, and is presenting arguments to Judge Judy, the famed reality TV jurist, who until recently was being considered by the Trump administration to replace the entire Supreme Court.