New York, NY.  The nagging threat of terrorist acts carried out by five-year olds has been snuffed by the recent ban of refugees from seven muslim countries.  “It got so I was afraid to go to local playgrounds,” confessed one pedophile, “We can’t take any chances with people like that.”

The ban has come fire by those who say the it will merely serve as a recruitment tool for ISIS and other extremists, and limit a fast-growing tourism sector, Somali pirates, who have become oddly enamored Dollywood, a Tennessee amusement park created by Dolly Parton.  “We don’t know why they come, but I gotta say we love those rascals,” said Dollywood’s general manager, “Arrrrr, y’all!”

Meanwhile, evidence is mounting that terrorist recruiting has indeed been fueled by the ban.  In recent promotions, citing an uptick, Al Qaeda reduced the number of virgins suicide bombers earn, from 72 to 6.  Another terrorist group had to hire an Indian call center to handle inquiries.  “I gotta say, I don’t like it,” said a recent recruit, “I had real trouble with the accent.”

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