Washington DC, January 18, 2017. 2016 is officially the hottest year ever, reported scientists, fingering voter anger in the U.S. as primary cause. “Normally one side is happy, the other not so much, and things balance out,” said a noted climatologist. Not so this year. “In technical terms, everyone is pissed.”
“Once again, the press misses the story,” squawked Trump spokesperson KellyAnn Conway. “The real cause Obamacare keeping all those sick, feverish people alive.” Conway also praised congress for repealing climate change, and stated that 2017 will be much more stable.
Voter anger and immigration aside, one man blamed his wife for the crisis. “She’s always freezing,” carped the husband, “you should see what she wears to bed.” The husband believes his wife triggered the crisis by secretly raising the thermostat when he wasn’t looking. Women’s groups brushed off the accusation as, “So typical.”
Skeptics raised doubts that 2016 was actually the hottest year ever. “Was it hotter last year than, say, when the earth was covered in volcanoes?” questioned a radio talk-show host, “I mean, seriously.” Scientists point out that records from the earth’s first days, which only include geologic clues and a few grainy pictures on Instagram, are inconclusive.
Tim J Keegan