Washington DC, January 18, 2017.  In an unprecedented and sweeping gesture, President Obama today pardoned 62,979,635 Trump voters today, one shy of Trump’s total count.  “Everyone else I can forgive, but Kayne? ” said Obama.

Meanwhile, autocorrect caused Obama to inadvertently pardon Chelsea Handler and Chelsea Clinton before successfully pardoning the convicted transgender soldier, Chelsea Manning.  “Now I know how Trump feels,” clucked Obama, referring to the autocorrect mishap that cost millions of Mexicans their lives.

Reached for comment, Chelsea Handler expressed surprise at being pardoned as she is currently not in prison. Chelsea Clinton said that she would save the pardon “just in case,” but that also she would transfer all the days she was grounded during her White House years to apply as time-served for her mother, Hillary Clinton, in case she needs them.

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U.S. Department of Agriculture