31113668530_a591ff7c9f_kNew York, NY,  January 17, 2017.  Donald Trump today turned down an offer to perform at his own inaugural.  Trump reached the decision after meeting with Martin Luther King III as a show of solidarity with the black community.  Skeptics point out that Trump was recently offered the role of Martin Luther King in a biopic, and was likely trying to curry favor, borrow an original comb, or possibly a tie.

“What a dick,” tweeted frustrated Inaugural Committee head Thomas Barrack Jr. The inauguration has struggled to attract A-List celebrities, and now finds itself scrambling to find someone to read the Inaugural Address. “We’re considering Mr. Ed,” snarked Barrack.

While the tweet — considered harsh even in the Trump era — was later blamed on autocorrect, Barrack has been quietly replaced with funnyman Mike Pence, who reported that Barrack will now be in charge of waterboard testing.  “Just kidding!” joshed the incoming VP.

Meanwhile, Trump twitter war, simultaneously congratulating and blasting himself, confusing White Nationalists, who recently asked Trump to be nicer on twitter.  “Guy can’t make up his mind.  Makes me want to consider the Democrats,” commented a hooded nationalist, alluding to the decision of democrats to recapture their historic southern white base. “What’s the world coming to?”  What indeed.

Photo Credit
Intermountain Region USFS

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