SILICON VALLEY, CA. Citing overuse by Democrats, the sad-face emoji filed for workers Comp today. “I thought I knew what I was signing up for,” sighed the emoji, “But I never expected this.” Commenting from a undisclosed rehab facility, a therapist confirmed that the normally resilient emoji is suffering from stress-related work injuries and depression.
“Look, it’s a hard job,” commented the thumbs-up emoji, “In 2015, I suffered a stress fracture after the dramatic hamster video went viral.” A recent study shows that fictional characters are increasingly working longer hours for lower pay, and paying the price. “We’ve seen a rise in spousal abuse, drinking, an addiction to watching animated gifs on the internet,” commented a Labor department spokesman, leaking the results $70MM study.
The Department of Labor, breaking with the Trump team, said that it’s likely that fictional characters are entitled to benefits. “So long as they weren’t created by illegal immigrants, it’s possible,” said a labor attorney. Trump himself named fictional character to the cabinet, bolstering the emoticon’s position.
Meanwhile, more ethical scandals are bubbling. Trump Senior Advisor Steve Bannon brushed off reports that he invested in the winking-eye emoji. Congressional Democrats remain skeptical, calling the timing of the announcement, “convenient.” The Trump Administration has been plagued by accusations of ethical violations.