Washington DC, January 10, 2017. Celebrities are rushing to fill the void left by the collapse of the Clinton machine and the lack of an heir apparent to lead the Democrats. Meryl Streep gave a thinly-veiled campaign speech at the Golden Globes. “Be nice, play fair, and don’t hit — How out of step can you be?” harrumphed Trump spokesperson KellyAnne Conway, “You need to be a grown-up to be President.”
Meanwhile, Mr. Ed, a talking horse from the glory days of sitcom TV, is making surprising headway considering he is a horse, and fictional. “Mr. Ed is a plain-spoken straight-shooter, with a wonderful wit, a mane, and hooves” said a spokesperson, “What’s not to love?”
Deflecting a rumor that his voice is controlled by Russian hackers, Mr. Ed’s supporters are running into headwinds given his fictional status. “Donald Trump named General Tso to a cabinet position,” argued a backer, “and General Tso isn’t even a fictional character, he’s a type of Chinese sauce.” Detractors rebut that General Tso is in fact a food preparation, not a sauce.
Both candidates are going to have trouble wresting momentum from Trump. Trump claimed credit today for creating three jobs today in suburban Minneapolis when a tanning salon opened there in anticipation of government subsidies. “First they whine, now they whinny,” tweeted Trump.