Photo: @wewon31

Washington DC, January 7, 2017.  Promising to secure White House communications, Donald Trump today banned the use of email in the White House.  Instead, messages will be circulated using sanctioned methods including paper and shadow puppetry.

“We were able to locate interoffice envelopes in the National Archives,” said KellyAnne Conway, “This removes a critical barrier to implementing the policy.”  Further, the incoming administration announced a plan to retrain coal miners to cut red string to the proper length.  “This will bring new meaning to their lives,” glowed Conway.

Democrats were skeptical.  “Paper cuts will soar and coverage is on the Obamacare chopping block,” said Senator Chuck Schumer. “We’re already dealing with a wrist injury epidemic due to increased hand-wringing.  When will this heartless attack on our nation’s health stop?”

Schumer also pointed to reports that conclude that the Russians cracked the Clinton campaign’s use of shadow puppets.  “Nixon used shadow puppetry too, and look where it got him,” sneered a CIA spokesperson.  Though his presence on Santa’s nice list initially cleared Vladamir Putin of mischief, new reports call his innocence into question.

In related communications news, researchers announced the discovery of a Galaxy Note 7 in the wreckage of the Titanic.  Recent evidence shows that a fire was also to blame for the loss of the great ship, and suspicion has turned to the phone, notorious for bursting into flames.  “We also found an inflated airbag in the wheelhouse,” said a researcher, raising further questions.

OTHER HEADLINES FROM AROUND THE GLOBE

• Plane Takes Off With Baggage Handler in Cargo Hold; Handler Charged $25
• Husband Breaks 20-Year Silent Treatment of Wife, Wife Says She Didn’t Notice 
• Trump Industries Partners with Chinese Developer to Build Great Mall of China

Interoffice envelope photo: Bradley P. Johnson