Photo: Dennis Crowley (cropped)
New York, NY. January 4, 2017. Hospitals here report an unprecedented surge in wrist injuries, alarming specialists. “What began as a trickle in November is now a flood,” said a harried surgeon, “We’ve also seen a rise in what we’re calling ‘FaceStuck’ – a condition characterized by a permanent grimace and loss of sense of humor.”
Data regarding the pandemic paints a stark but narrow portrait of victims. Most are college-educated and live in urban areas. “Not a single one voted for Trump,” commented a sociologist, “Vegans seem especially hard-hit.”
Donald Trump tweeted, “Try cutting back on charity wristbands!” The original tweet, which read, “Try cutting off their hands,” was quietly edited by Mike Pence. Autocorrect has continuously plagued Trump. Pence claims to have guessed Trump’s password, as he did Vladamir Putin’s.
“Charity wristbands define political activism among liberals,” said the creator of the of Band on, Stand Up, Sit Down and Text, a popular protest, exercise, and social networking routine, “Weighted properly, wristbands give a great burn!”
The FDA is considering banning charity wristbands, “as they could put somebody’s eye out,” according to an FDA source.