Washington DC. The Republican-led House voted today to repeal climate change, and declared that every day would be like September 5, 1984. “They were considering May 15, 1952, but we stood our ground,” said House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi.
September 5, 1984 has a 4 1/2 star rating on Yelp, among the highest of all days. It was dinged 1/2 star by users for not being gluten-free. “Hardly seems fair,” said the day’s PR firm.
Climatologists were quick to react, “Personally, I’d prefer it a little cooler,” said a Nobel Laureate. Scientists point to controlled studies in Phoenix retirement communities that have kept the weather “nice, not too hot, not too cold.”
A spokesperson for Nature, Jill Stein, was unavailable for comment. Stein is currently in East Timor trying to locate a rumored cache of six Clinton ballots. After all protest votes were eliminated, Trump narrowly won the presidency, 6 to 1.
In a last minute amendment, Congress agreed to retain global warming for the winter months only, ensuring warm winter vacations worldwide for U.S. tourists. Reaction from France, which benefited recently from the U.S. return of the Louisiana Purchase, was positive. France is world’s leading exporter of work stoppages, and expects warm winters to drive further growth.