Photo: Suzanne M. Day

New York, NY, January 1, 2017.  The Clinton campaign today pinned their loss to Donald Trump on Mariah Carey. “Let’s face it, once the FBI leaked that Carey would be performing in Times Square, and that she would lip sync, it was all over,” said a campaign spokesperson.  One week before the election, news about Carey was “accidentally” pasted into the documents FBI director James Comey presented to Congress relating to the agency’s investigation of Clinton.

“Between Carey, and Pence’s hair, it was going to be tough, but now we learn that his eyebrows were also compromised.  We had no chance.”  As reported previously, Mike Pence was swept up in a Russian doping scandal, using a banned substance to thicken his hair.  Pence denies these charges, but had no comment to the eyebrow revelations.

“Mike Pence is a good man, great hair, eyebrows.  I’d do him,” said Donald Trump.  Trump later blamed autocorrect on the mistweet, “I meant to say I’d do him anytime,” said a Trump, a frequent victim of autocorrect.  The Obama administration recently unleashed autocorrect on Russia as payback for alleged election hacking, and expelled 35 Russian diplomats.

In related news, Vladamir Putin announced today that he would retaliate for the expulsion by not expelling U.S. diplomats from Russia, forcing them to spend another winter in Moscow.  In the veiled terms peculiar to the diplomatic set, a anonymous U.S. envoy commented, “This sucks.”

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