Santa Clara, CA, December 31, 2016. Facebook and Google announced today that 2016 will be deleted at midnight, marking a turning point in human history, and setting off a mad rush for newly collectible 2016 New Year’s Eve memorabilia, particularly party hats.
News of the deletion shocked both political parties. Hillary Clinton reacted first, saying that she had a back-up of 2016 on a server, but that it was inadvertently deleted along with some recipes and all her pictures of Bill Clinton after her historic 6-1 loss to Trump.
Donald Trump, meanwhile, claimed the deletion is irrelevant, as he adheres to the Trumpian Calendar, which began at his birth. “Moving to the Trumpian calendar will create millions of jobs,” claimed Trump, “make us energy independent, and keep Mexicans from crossing the border, as they will be confused and disoriented, especially now, after the little mishap.” Pundits huffed that claims of simultaneous confusion and disorientation during major calendar transitions are vintage Trump hyperbole, clearly discredited by recent studies.
Meanwhile, in Chicago, 1.6 million people were shot as devastated Cub fans took to the streets. The Cubs ended a 107-year World Series drought in 2016. The day’s shooting tally was markedly lower than the one-day record set last summer, and is seen as progress in the city’s struggle with senseless gun violence.