PHOTO: Pete Souza
Washington DC, December 30, 2016. In retaliation for leaking the cheating and skullduggery of Democrats and not Republicans, President Obama today directed the U.S.’s most potent technological weapon against Russia: Autocorrect.
Vladamir Putin shrugged off the attack. “You can’t believe anything we say anyway.” tweeted Putin, “Anyway, we’ll have better luck with Trump, our new pansy.” Blaming autocorrect, Mike Pence edited the tweet, changing pansy to friend. “I just guessed his password,” said Pence, quieting obvious concerns. Pence has been under fire after being swept up in a Russian doping scheme, allegedly using a banned substance to thicken his hair.
In further retaliation, the Obama administration will broadcast a TV spectacular over Russian airwaves, Dancing With the Tsars. Designed to stir discontent among average Russians longing for a return to serfdom and feudal rule, the show will pair celebrities with actors dressed as famous despots in a fun-filled dance-off. The first show will feature Captain – of Captain and Tennille — paired with Catherine the Great. Captain’s career has been reborn thanks to a recent feud with Britney Spears.
Donald Trump waded into the fray, reminding voters that Putin has already been cleared of all wrong-doing. “He’s on Santa’s nice list. Give the guy a break!”, tweeted Trump. Trump himself was a victim of autocorrect recently when an autocorrected tweet caused the death of millions of Mexicans.