New York, NY. December 21, 2016. Donald Trump announced a deal with Santa Claus today to revitalize the U.S. coal industry. Santa has agreed to resume delivery of lumps of coal to his naughty list, a practice suspended over 3o years ago due to environmental concerns. “This deal will create billions of jobs here and in Russia!” tweeted Trump. Later Trump edited the tweet claiming autocorrect had changed “hundreds of millions” to “billions”. Just last week, Trump ordered tech execs to put an end to autocorrect.
Thanks to a CIA hack of Santa’s email server, the U.S has possession of Santa’s naughty list. “This won’t cost the U.S. taxpayer a dime. Mexico will pay for the coal!” As part of a three way deal with the Russians, in exchange for Mexico agreeing to pay for all the coal used in the program, Russia will reset its missile redirect program that last week killed millions in Mexico to instead target a bad actor, like North Korea, or possibly France.
Further, Santa announced that he is moving his toy workshop from the North Pole to Indiana. “…creating tens of thousands more jobs!” crowed Trump. “Less Than Totally True!” slammed the NY Times. “An analysis of workshop footage from all Santa movies shows that there aren’t ever more than thirteen elves at work, fourteen max,” said an unnamed source at the paper familiar with all the movies.