Washington DC, December 20, 2016. In apparent retribution for supposed Russian mischief during the last election, the CIA hacked Santa Claus’s email server hoping to pin a “naughty” tag on Vladamir Putin as final proof of Russia’s meddling. The list included several eyebrow-openers, including Malia Obama and a much-beloved deer living in Harlem, but no Putin.
“We were surprised as anyone,” said CIA Director John Brennan, “this certainly puts an end to any suspicion of Russian interference in the last election.” The CIA, backed by the Obama administration, had accused Russia of planting false news and hacking Democratic leaders’ email servers. “Told ya so,” tweeted Putin, basking in his nice-list status.
Reached at his North Pole workshop, Santa Claus accepted responsibility for the security breach. “Apparently the elf in charge of our security got a phishing email asking him to change his password on Ashley Madison,” said a red-faced Claus. “I stand by our elves,” said Santa, pending further investigation.
The White House refused to comment on the first daughter’s inclusion on the annual list of the world’s naughty. Rumors swirled recently around the 18-year old, suggesting that she is in rehab. “The fact she is on the naughty list speaks for itself,” scolded Claus.