Photo: NY TIMES

Montreal, December 19, 2016.  Canadians joined the ranks of angry citizens worldwide today, body-shaming the tree staged to celebrate the country’s 350th birthday.  “Look at this thing, skinny, wobbly, misshapen, and it’s top is cut-off,” shouted a mob of four Canadians.  Because Canada is so sparsely populated, Canadians are typically not allowed to stand within ten feet of each other.  Police were called, but it turns out there aren’t any police in Canada.  “We were hoping no one ever called our bluff,” said a clearly worried Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.

The leader of the mob, who was too shy to give his name, carried a placard, “Make Canada Slightly More Good,” a clear reference to Donald Trump’s rallying cry that led to his insurgent victory in the recent US election.  Trudeau noted that while four people may not seem like much, it’s a major concern given Trump’s 6-1 win over Hillary Clinton.  “Fortunately, psychological counseling is available to the tree through our National Health System,” said Trudeau.