Photo: Gage Skidmore

Washington DC, December 18, 2016.  A final recount of the recent presidential election gave Donald Trump a decisive victory, 6-1.  “We bitch-slapped her by 6x,” tweeted Trump, who later claimed that autocorrect changed trounced to bitch-slapped,  As noted, Trump has declared war on autocorrect.

“Well, actually it was literally six votes to one vote,” tweeted back Matthew S. Petersen, Chairman of the Federal Election Committee.  “Still I suppose mathematically he’s right.”

The 6-1 tally was easy to reach once Congress agreed to a plan of eliminating all protest votes, votes cast for one candidate that were really against the other candidate as a form of protest, or in official jargon, “disgust”.  “We asked our Russian buds if they had any data on this and, voila!”, said Petersen.

The one-vote tally for Clinton raised some uncomfortable questions for Bill Clinton, who admitted to voting for Jill Stein for “personal reasons.”  Speaking at a memorial for a much beloved deer to an empty auditorium in Harlem, Hillary Clinton had no comment.  “This is too somber an occasion,” she said, wiping away a tear, “So sad, so young, and just one antler.”