Photo: Gage Skidmore
Washington DC, December 18, 2016. A final recount of the recent presidential election gave Donald Trump a decisive victory, 6-1. “We bitch-slapped her by 6x,” tweeted Trump, who later claimed that autocorrect changed trounced to bitch-slapped, As noted, Trump has declared war on autocorrect.
“Well, actually it was literally six votes to one vote,” tweeted back Matthew S. Petersen, Chairman of the Federal Election Committee. “Still I suppose mathematically he’s right.”
The 6-1 tally was easy to reach once Congress agreed to a plan of eliminating all protest votes, votes cast for one candidate that were really against the other candidate as a form of protest, or in official jargon, “disgust”. “We asked our Russian buds if they had any data on this and, voila!”, said Petersen.
The one-vote tally for Clinton raised some uncomfortable questions for Bill Clinton, who admitted to voting for Jill Stein for “personal reasons.” Speaking at a memorial for a much beloved deer to an empty auditorium in Harlem, Hillary Clinton had no comment. “This is too somber an occasion,” she said, wiping away a tear, “So sad, so young, and just one antler.”