WASHINGTON DC. The Trump Administration announced today that it will use magnetic letters on all office doors, saving time during a period of rapid transition, and creating a boom market for key letters. “Another job creation master stroke,” cooed Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Departing employees are rumored to be taking their letters with them, while current staff members are hoarding letters in case of marriage or the need for an identity change. The resulting shortage is already taking its toll on morale. “After Scaramucci, We’re short on C’s,” said a source, explaining why John Kelly’s door says Hief of Staff.
Kelly tried to put a halt to the nonsense by declaring that all new hires would have short names, “Preferably something like Adams, or Ng,” growled the former general. Despite the arrival of a new no-nonsense Chief, practical jokes continue in the fun-loving White House. “Someone switched around Mike Pence’s letters to spell ‘Me Pee Cink’,” said a source.
SUMMIT BECHTEL PRESERVE, WV. In honor of Donald Trump, The Boy Scouts of America announced today the introduction of a new merit badge for bullying. The organization also announced that they have modernized their pledge. “We considered adding a badge for groping.” said an insider, “But we felt that those skills were adequately covered by the Veterinary badge”
To save money on having to reprint this year’s list, the Bullying badge will be combined with Bugling. “You’d be surprised how many people fear a good bugling.” said a veteran scout leader.
The scouts also announced a new pledge. “The current pledge is out of step with the times, with quaint references to helping others, acting morally, and so on.” said a press release. The new pledge puts the emphasis on the values enshrined by the Trump administration, such as disloyalty, intolerance, and caring about yourself first, above God and country.
In an unrelated change, the scout uniform will now feature selections from the Ivankawear Trump Youth collection. “The new gold armband emblazoned with a T will generate a level of respect and fear that have been missing from the organization for a generation.” cooed KellyAnne Conway. “Time to make the scouts great again, dontcha think.” added Conway with a wink.
WASHINGTON DC. Doctors here treated Donald Trump today for a blame-related wrist injury. “He sprained his wrist by making a series rapid pivots between blaming Jeff Sessions for everything related to Russia, and John McCain for highlighting the importance of healthcare.” commented his physician. “Even the best sometimes overdoes it.”
“Showboat McCain a work again.” tweeted the President. “First he gets himself captured and tortured to gain attention, and now this cancer thing. It’s so unfair to me.”
Trump and his Senate allies had counted on Americans being too busy binge-watching the latest Game of Thrones season to care about losing their healthcare coverage. But when FoxNews decided to bump front page stories of female teacher sex offenders to cover McCain, Trump knew the jig was up.
Doctors released the President while mandating two weeks of rest before he can blame again. “We told him he can shift responsibility, but only if it requires minimal lifting.” said his doctor. “He can pass the buck, but only paper, no coins.”
WASHINGTON DC. An attendee at the meeting between Russians and Donald Trump Jr. last summer is likely the same person who took Anne Coulter’s seat on a Delta Airlines flight yesterday. “Given Coulter’s description that the person was smooth, shiny, and appeared to be made of wood, we believe that there may be a connection.” said a source close to the investigation. “We’re examining paint residue now.”
“I knew she was an immigrant.” said Coulter. “”And from the looks of her, a liberal.” Delta Airlines confirmed that they sold eight tickets to the woman for single seat, fueling speculation that she may be the Russian nesting doll that attended the Trump Jr’s meeting.
Coulter was outraged that a woman with no arms or legs would need an aisle seat, pregnant or not. “She would have been perfectly happy in the window, or even the center. No need for armrests.” tweeted Coulter.
“An eight-person nesting doll means fifteen people were at the meeting.” said an outraged spokesperson for the Trump organization. “We’ll be adding a surcharge to the room rental.”
The Trump Administration has been dogged by allegations of chicanery between officials and Russian dolls from the start. An armless love doll of Russian origin was found in a D.C. dumpster last winter, and the FBI has had a Russian hacker, part man, part puppet, under surveillance for months. “At first, we believed that Mike Pence might also be a doll, as he stood perfectly still for months.” said an FBI spokesperson. “But given his recent lies about the Trumpcare bill, we can only conclude that he is at least part human.”
KING OF PRUSSIA, PA. Sporting a fake mustache, Vice President Mike Pence made an ill-fated attempt to collude with the Prussians during the Trump campaign last fall. “I’m guessing he misread the Evite to the meeting.” said Donald Trump Jr. “I know he got it because he RSVP’d and said he’d bring cake.”
Working alone, Pence first tried to use his cell phone to call Prussia, but the minutes on his plan were exhausted, and he was forced use a pay phone. Finding himself with only 28 quarters, three short, the Vice President decided to drop by, landing Air Force 2 in the parking lot of the King of Prussia Mall here.
“I was at work in the food court, and this guy walks up and asks if know where he can find the king.” said an Auntie Anne’s employee. “I was like, what? Then he asked if I wanted a selfie with him. I was like, get lost, loser.”
Pence was ultimately unsuccessful at locating the Prussians. He was, however, once again mistaken for a confederate war memorial, and toppled. Pence’s ability to stand perfectly still is credited with his unprecedented record for being toppled. “This is the third time.” said Pence. “Getting a little tired of this.”
MOSCOW, RUSSIA. A freak cosmic event centered directly over the windmill hole at the Chaika Mini-Golf Center here is blamed for the disappearance of every Russian who has ever had contact with Donald Trump Jr. “The electro-magnetic event also deleted every shred of evidence that any of these people ever existed.” said White House spokesperson, KellyAnne Conway. Pressed for details on the identities of the missing, Conway responded, “What people?”
At the exact time of the disappearance, by coincidence, the same event deposited hundreds of boxes containing evidence of ISIS collusion with the Clintons and a left-leaning but non-political crossing guard in Boulder, CO, in the studios of Fox News during the Sean Hannity Show. “Never trusted those guys, with their little signs and smug attitudes.” said Hannity.
“Windmill holes have been treacherous in the past.” said a noted historian. “But nothing can top the Clown Mouth Hole Affair of 1878.” During match play on a miniature golf course in New Guinea, the British were forced to take a penalty stroke on the Clown Mouth hole after a mishit ball struck a servant carrying the wife of a British diplomat. Walking on their own during this period was considered immoral for British women. The servant suggested that the British player try a slightly different grip, humiliating the global power into ceding control of the colony, which led directly to the unraveling of their entire empire.
WASHINGTON, DC. Unexpectedly strong job growth in June dashed Democratic party hopes once again, forcing the cancellation of a celebratory gala and neutralizing a cache well-crafted tweets. “The deposit on the gala is non-refundable.” said a glum-faced Chuck Schumer. “We’re taking delivery of the 3,000 sad-face cupcakes we ordered and plan to hold a bake sale fundraiser.”
In an especially tough blow, Democrats will not be able to use over thirty finely crafted, lighthearted, memorable tweets speaking to the pain of the working class. “My personal favorite was, ‘We told you that the Jackson-Vanik Amendment would be an issue requiring finesse, and you ignored us, you dick.” said Schumer, barely able to contain a giggle.
While news of tens of thousands of new jobs was a painful blow for Democrats, party pessimists are now starting to worry that an upcoming report on health in America will also show significant gains, further damaging the party’s morale. “If the administration is able to announce that people are healthier and have even lost a little weight, it’s all over for us.” said one source.