WASHINGTON DC. The Trump Administration announced today that it will use magnetic letters on all office doors, saving time during a period of rapid transition, and creating a boom market for key letters. “Another job creation master stroke,” cooed Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Departing employees are rumored to be taking their letters with them, while current staff members are hoarding letters in case of marriage or the need for an identity change. The resulting shortage is already taking its toll on morale. “After Scaramucci, We’re short on C’s,” said a source, explaining why John Kelly’s door says Hief of Staff.
Kelly tried to put a halt to the nonsense by declaring that all new hires would have short names, “Preferably something like Adams, or Ng,” growled the former general. Despite the arrival of a new no-nonsense Chief, practical jokes continue in the fun-loving White House. “Someone switched around Mike Pence’s letters to spell ‘Me Pee Cink’,” said a source.
SUMMIT BECHTEL PRESERVE, WV. In honor of Donald Trump, The Boy Scouts of America announced today the introduction of a new merit badge for bullying. The organization also announced that they have modernized their pledge. “We considered adding a badge for groping.” said an insider, “But we felt that those skills were adequately covered by the Veterinary badge”
To save money on having to reprint this year’s list, the Bullying badge will be combined with Bugling. “You’d be surprised how many people fear a good bugling.” said a veteran scout leader.
The scouts also announced a new pledge. “The current pledge is out of step with the times, with quaint references to helping others, acting morally, and so on.” said a press release. The new pledge puts the emphasis on the values enshrined by the Trump administration, such as disloyalty, intolerance, and caring about yourself first, above God and country.
In an unrelated change, the scout uniform will now feature selections from the Ivankawear Trump Youth collection. “The new gold armband emblazoned with a T will generate a level of respect and fear that have been missing from the organization for a generation.” cooed KellyAnne Conway. “Time to make the scouts great again, dontcha think.” added Conway with a wink.
WASHINGTON DC. Doctors here treated Donald Trump today for a blame-related wrist injury. “He sprained his wrist by making a series rapid pivots between blaming Jeff Sessions for everything related to Russia, and John McCain for highlighting the importance of healthcare.” commented his physician. “Even the best sometimes overdoes it.”
“Showboat McCain a work again.” tweeted the President. “First he gets himself captured and tortured to gain attention, and now this cancer thing. It’s so unfair to me.”
Trump and his Senate allies had counted on Americans being too busy binge-watching the latest Game of Thrones season to care about losing their healthcare coverage. But when FoxNews decided to bump front page stories of female teacher sex offenders to cover McCain, Trump knew the jig was up.
Doctors released the President while mandating two weeks of rest before he can blame again. “We told him he can shift responsibility, but only if it requires minimal lifting.” said his doctor. “He can pass the buck, but only paper, no coins.”
WASHINGTON DC. An attendee at the meeting between Russians and Donald Trump Jr. last summer is likely the same person who took Anne Coulter’s seat on a Delta Airlines flight yesterday. “Given Coulter’s description that the person was smooth, shiny, and appeared to be made of wood, we believe that there may be a connection.” said a source close to the investigation. “We’re examining paint residue now.”
“I knew she was an immigrant.” said Coulter. “”And from the looks of her, a liberal.” Delta Airlines confirmed that they sold eight tickets to the woman for single seat, fueling speculation that she may be the Russian nesting doll that attended the Trump Jr’s meeting.
Coulter was outraged that a woman with no arms or legs would need an aisle seat, pregnant or not. “She would have been perfectly happy in the window, or even the center. No need for armrests.” tweeted Coulter.
“An eight-person nesting doll means fifteen people were at the meeting.” said an outraged spokesperson for the Trump organization. “We’ll be adding a surcharge to the room rental.”
The Trump Administration has been dogged by allegations of chicanery between officials and Russian dolls from the start. An armless love doll of Russian origin was found in a D.C. dumpster last winter, and the FBI has had a Russian hacker, part man, part puppet, under surveillance for months. “At first, we believed that Mike Pence might also be a doll, as he stood perfectly still for months.” said an FBI spokesperson. “But given his recent lies about the Trumpcare bill, we can only conclude that he is at least part human.”