WASHINGTON DC. Veterans of WWII apologized today for defeating the Germans in WWII. “We realize now that there were many good Nazis, and that shooting them, and just generally being mean to them, was wrong,” said a contrite vet.
With alt left vets being asked for seed funding, the Trump Administration is moving ahead with plans to launch a GoFundMe campaign to replace statues of confederate war heroes with statues of other personages prominent in our history, leaders such as Adolf Hitler, Vladimir Lenin, and the Coyote, of Roadrunner cartoon fame. “Our beautiful parks will once again be graced with elegant reminders of our past,” tweeted Donald Trump.
In related news, Vice President Mike Pence is under investigation for first erecting, then toppling, his own statue. Pence, who has been trying find a way to save his career, allegedly believed that toppling his statue would raise his visibility and possibly lead to his firing.
Meanwhile, the termination of presidential councils for manufacturing, the resignation of all members of the arts advisory council, and the firing of Steve Bannon has created a glut of chairs in the White House. “We’re concerned that people will trip over them, or strain a muscle moving them out of the way,” said Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway. “The chairs will be left on the curb by the White House along with other detritus, like ethical standards, and that dusty old thing, rule of law.”
WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump today expressed his thanks to Nazis all over the country for helping to unite his fractured nation. “We owe a debt of gratitude to those knuckleheads,” chided Trump, “First WWII, now Charlottesville. I gotta say singing Heil to the Chief was nice touch.”
Trump faced withering criticism over the weekend for not thanking Nazis by name, but instead crediting hate groups and hate-hate groups alike. Insiders attribute the slight to Trump’s anger at ISIS for not ramming cars into civilians here, instead of letting London hog the limelight.
Meanwhile, White Nationalists cried foul at playing second fiddle to the Nazis. While to most outsiders the groups are the same, important philosophical, procedural, and stylistic differences separate the two. “White Nationalists tend to favor lighter colors and loose-fitting, breathable fabrics,” said Ivanka Trump, “While Nazis just go gaga over black leather and tight-fitting apparel to accent their trim physiques.”
Vice President Mike Pence, meanwhile, spoke forcefully on the issue, and had to be stopped from visiting sites of other Confederate landmarks by the Secret Service. Pence has been mistaken several times for a memorial statue himself, and been toppled each time by unruly crowds. Pence has been testing specially weighted shoes to prevent further topplings, but an unfortunate incident involving a large electromagnet set the project back indefinitely.
BURLINGAME, CA. Two-bit satirist TittleTattle was hospitalized today suffering from news poisoning. “He obviously had processed tons of toxin over the last several months, and converted them to humor,” said his doctor. “A man can only take so much.”
TittleTattle365 launched in December 2016, vowing to provide a daily refuge for those seeking respite from the daily stream of venom spewing from the White House, the media, and fervent supporters of all stripes. “He was delirious,” continued his doctor, “Kept rambling on about headlines like, ‘Polls Show Trump’s Support at 41 People,’ and ‘Nancy Reagan, Elvis to lead Administration’s War on Opioids.’ Sad.”
News of TittleTattle’s condition generated waves of sympathy from across the nation. “He’s an idiot, but even idiots don’t deserve to be poisoned by the DNC,” opined FoxNews, running the story adjacent to news of a female teacher having sex with an underage llama. “How low will the left stoop?”
Doctors expect TittleTattle to recover, but have advised a special diet consisting of reruns of Modern Family, inflight magazines, and visits online to Pinterest, but only pages devoted to needlecraft.
WASHINGTON DC. A new initiative by the Trump Administration’s Justice Department aims to stop affirmative action programs that have prevented white people from enjoying benefits hoarded by minorities. “Visit any jail,” said Attorney General Jeff Sessions. “‘Nuf said.”
The Trump Administration says that bias against white people is so deeply embedded in society that we don’t even notice anymore. “Why is there an opioid crisis, but a war on drugs?” asked Sessions. “Because white people take opioids, that’s why.”
Sessions argues that whites are being cheated out of the key benefits a war on opioids would yield, like a chance to earn a coveted gangsta rep, career opportunities in the drug mule job market, or demonization by right-wing media. “No justice, no piece of the action,” quipped the Attorney General.
Sessions, playing on the success of the President’s slogan, “Make America Great Again,” is distributing hats emblazoned with the initiative’s catchphrase, “Put the W Back in Indignity.” “We call it Windignity,” said Sessions, “And the winning has just begun.”
WASHINGTON DC. The Trump Administration announced today that it will use magnetic letters on all office doors, saving time during a period of rapid transition, and creating a boom market for key letters. “Another job creation master stroke,” cooed Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
Departing employees are rumored to be taking their letters with them, while current staff members are hoarding letters in case of marriage or the need for an identity change. The resulting shortage is already taking its toll on morale. “After Scaramucci, We’re short on C’s,” said a source, explaining why John Kelly’s door says Hief of Staff.
Kelly tried to put a halt to the nonsense by declaring that all new hires would have short names, “Preferably something like Adams, or Ng,” growled the former general. Despite the arrival of a new no-nonsense Chief, practical jokes continue in the fun-loving White House. “Someone switched around Mike Pence’s letters to spell ‘Me Pee Cink’,” said a source.
WASHINGTON DC. The FBI reports that Reince Priebus, held hostage until yesterday by the Trump Administration, is suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. Stockholm Syndrome causes hostages to side with their captors, particularly if held in an Ikea-furnished room. “The Trumps would never actually buy anything from Ikea.” commented an insider. “Rather, they leave Ikea catalogs scattered about for effect.”
Priebus is alleged to have made his way out by following one of the escape routes made popular by Mike Pence. The most famous of these, dubbed Pence to the Fence, traces Pence’s second attempt to flee the White House.
Because security to that point had been designed only to keep people out of the White House, Pence was able to race unnoticed to the fence. The grappling hook he was trying to toss, though, latched onto his own shoulder, causing him to become hopelessly intertwined. Pence was discovered the next morning, when gardeners needed to move him to do some light weeding. “They asked the Secret Service where they should lean him.” commented the insider. “And the plot was foiled.”
WASHINGTON DC. Donald Trump made good on a promise made at the Boy Scout Jamboree, barring Transylvanians from serving millet in the U.S., bolstering the flagging job market for domestic millet servers. “Transylvanians are queer, what with their odd ways and pointy teeth.” said newly minted Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci. “They don’t deserve to serve our millet.”
“Look, let’s face it, Americans don’t want to serve millet anymore.” said a spokesperson for Millet and Mime, a fast food chain dedicated to the grain, and mime. “We favor Transylvanians because they come well educated, they are hard workers, and they bring their own gloves.”
Skeptics contend that autocorrect is most likely the real cause of the ban. “Based on the way Donald Trump makes decisions, it’s obvious.” said a pundit. “Fox News hasn’t run a single story about the millet issue, or Transylvania.” While the White House is standing its ground, insiders contend that the real story will eventually come out.